“Streets Of Gold” (2010) by 3OH!3

For 50 minutes and 51 seconds, I ignored my prejudices against 3OH!3 and gave them a second chance to redeem themselves. Even with their stupid name. Needless to say, they’re going to need a lot more than two chances if they’re going to make their way into my good books. Somehow topping the pure stupidity of their last effort, 3OH!3 have created an album that can proudly stake its claim amongst the worst of all time. Really, this shit is bad.

Sure, there’s no utterly offensive “Do the Helen Keller and talk with your hips” line in this record. But absolutely every line is just pure stupid. Albums do not get more stupid than this. Music does not get more stupid. Nothing gets more stupid. This is the epitome of stupid. “Girl I gotta go, I’m finished with the show, if you wanna (beeping noise) me, I won’t say no. T-t-t-touchin on my (beeping noise) while I’m touchin on your (beeping noise). You know that we are gonna (beeping noise) cause I don’t give a (beeping noise).” Good for you, guys. But what does you not giving a fuck have to do with anything? Couldn’t find a better line to fit? How about “You know that we are gonna fuck, cos I have a tiny penis and you probably won’t even be able to see it which is why I overcompensate by making highly sexual music.” Yeah, I think that’d work.

This is balls. There’s no words to describe how shit the music is, or vocals, or anything really. But here’s another excerpt from a song, “House Party”.

“Fuck the clubs! Fuck the clubs” for 35 seconds. Yeah, I get it.
“I’m gonna have a house party in my house.” No. Way. Really? A house party in your house? Wow.
“I’m gonna pour booze down my mouth.” Wow, guys, you’re impressing me. How clever you must be. Pouring booze down your mouth? Your mothers must be so proud of you.
“I might stay up until the A.M.” You really couldn’t come up with a better line than that? You’re aware that midnight is AM, right?
“Yeah, I think tonight I’m just gonna stay in.” Congratu-fucking-lations.
They then repeat that verse. Yeah. It was bad enough once, but they’re doing it again.
“8 o’clock, 10 o’clock, midnight, PARTY!” What about 7, 9, or 11?
“2 o’clock, 4 o’clock, 6 o’clock, PARTY!” I would hate to be their neighbours.
“7 A.M., better get the fuck out, cause there ain’t no room to be crashin’ on my couch.” What a good host you are. I hope all your friends drive home and die. Without killing anyone else. Of course.
There’s then a chorus of “Fuck the DJs cause they aren’t playing my shit.” But who could blame them?
Then we have the chorus, then an “edgy industrial section” cause they’re awesome, with a fully cool guitar solo.
Then back to the house party again.

Really, congratulations. You ruined 50 minutes of my time. This record will go down into history as… well, frankly, as absolute fucking shitballs crap. The only reason it’s not getting a 0.0 is because that score is reserved for Brokencyde, and even this isn’t that bad. Hopefully, music will never have to endure another Brokencyde album, or anything else equally as bad. Until that day inevitably comes, however, Streets of Gold is as close as we’ll get.

Choice tracks:
House Party. *sarcasm*
If you like: Stupid, brain-dead, cocky wankers playing music for stupid, brain-dead people.


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